delayed epitaph

(Wow!!! 07/07/07) South Brisbane, Queensland, Australia

...as I can't call you as you... and only you can understand why...

Dear she,

Beyond your fantasy world there’s a real one, and “there”… is the place where I used to live, and the eventual “me” that eventually existed inside your fantasies wasn’t the real me living, no, not at all! No dear, I’m sure it was not a trace of the real me, and the real me just wanted the real you, on the real world, the you that’s not the same “you” that lives there in your fantasy world, and I had no expectations at all, I just wanted to get near, to hang on, to see what would come… and as it seems that you got satisfaction keeping me on that ridiculous situation, now I think there’s almost nothing left on that encompassing trip… my present was getting fully empty of you, and there’s almost nothing to say, …maybe something about losses: (but) as we can’t lose what we have not, and as I never had you or anything else, I had nothing to lose, but you did… simply cause you had, at least, me! ...and if I felt this way or whatever else I should feel, it was because I’d rather be this way, that’s the way I always was, that’s the way I loved to be, no matter what the people could think about it…I just didn’t care, and I felt better being the way I was, as I always was …I have only three words left to say about it all: what a pitty!!! All the rest is bullshit, I know, and maybe just words, well, I know the power of the written words, sometimes they’re really powerful, they can do things happen, they can destroy souls, they can fill hearts, they can make us happy or sad, they can speed up heart beatings, they can even kill someone or something, …but it’s literature at last, it’s not life itself, …maybe “just words” indeed, and I do not care about them anymore, as i did care about them and about us, I had the hope that I had found something very special in my life and it had filled me as never before… and I thought we could reach and achieve that 'something’ into… whatever, and right now, at the very end, it doesn't matter anymore… now, as it seems it was not meant to be, I feel as I was really dreaming on some words and thoughts we’ve been exchanging for too long, and this dream was veiling the very sense of reality, so… let’s get rid of it, …you’re a whole free person, as I am as well, and I really hope you’ll handle this in a different way than the way I will, ...and, if anything was near some truth it's useless now…cause I’m gonna pay attention only to the bullet that is coming right now, through this blazing barrel right to my heart... hummm, or should I do it right to my front? ...well, whatever, i'll take this decision in a few seconds and you all will know about my last decision... aah! I have nothing that could be called heritage and no one to inherit this nothing, but i'll left a last piece of advice for you dear: stop refusing possibilities in your life!!! ...for 'our' dream’s sake, it’s time for you to stop some things and start other ones… that's it, bye...

...there's never less than two options!!!